


Only Poison Could Taste this Sweet

by moltenvintagelacedress



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Tequila, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, gay angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:39:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9433337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moltenvintagelacedress/pseuds/moltenvintagelacedress
Summary: Otabek Altin is like a fucking drag; the absolutely addictive inhale of nicotine. The first taste starts off unpleasant, guarded and yet you always somehow tell yourself you should come back for more. There's a voice in the back of your brain that tells you that it'll only be one more, than you will quit but you never do. That's what happened to me- I had one taste and I was hooked.





	

**Author's Note:**

> theres a few disclaimers at the end, let me know what yall think when youre finished! ily and thanks for clicking, its much appreciated!

YURI'S P.O.V.

Otabek Altin is like a fucking drag; the absolutely addictive inhale of nicotine. The first taste starts off unpleasant, guarded and yet you always somehow tell yourself you should come back for more. There's a voice in the back of your brain that tells you that it'll only be one more, than you will quit but you never do. That's what happened to me- I had one taste and I was hooked.

I wouldn't ever call him my best friend, because honestly it's not as if I see him often enough outside of skating season to call him a friend but those few months during competition he is a loyal confidante. Before, that was, he met the bitch that is Mila Babicheva.

He was visiting Russia for the first time, after I pestered him about it for far too long, and Mila was intrigued. Otabek wasn't unattractive, not in the slightest. And his attitude and his determination garnered a lot of attention whenever people met him, you couldn't help it. You couldn't help but get stuck on him.

And so, that night when we were hanging out, Mila and Otabek weren't particularly interested in me. Mila was fucking dripping wet and Otabek, that son of a fucking bitch, had the nerve to flirt with her. I'd excused myself because I couldn't fucking stand it. It felt as though someone was churning around my intestines with a fork like it was spaghetti. I was unnerved and uncomfortable and downright pissed, I stormed out of the restaurant and left them to pay for dinner.

It was the first time I'd experienced jealousy. Not in a superficial sense, but in the sense that Otabek was mine and Mila shouldn't be able to look at him like he was the most brilliant star in the sky, because he was my own personal collection of constellations. 

That night was also the first time I'd genuinely, truly debated my sexuality. In the darkness of my bedroom, air mattress blown up on the carpet for Otabek when he'd walk in three hours later, I questioned and refused and cried and refused. I couldn't possibly be gay- I lived in Russia for fucks sake.

That really didn't matter though. Three months later, Otabek visiting not for me this time but for Mila, I couldn't deny the fact I felt something besides platonic feelings towards Otabek. Mila hadn't let me forget it, either- she was constantly rubbing in my face that he was hers and not mine and goddamn, look at him Yuri, I can't believe he's this sexy and do you want to know what he told me last night?

I played with, of course- what else could I do besides that? Otabek wasn't gay, never will be. I should try and attempt to be happy for her but every day, every minute Mila drabbles on about Otabek I can't help but wish I could duct tape her mouth shut.

He arrived with a bright, beautiful grin on his face during practice, almost as if he didn't remember the absolutely pleasant phone call we'd shared a month ago. Mila was watching me practice my free skate program (my theme for this year was longing) and I could hear her asanine squeal from across the rink. I turned around, already knowing who it was and thus missing my quad, setting Yakov off to pester the obnoxious couple.

Otabek waved at me with one hand, the other hand interlocked with Mila's and fuck, why did I fall for him and his beautiful eyes and exhilarating personality and why did he have to always push me away? 

Later that night, when I was changing, Otabek came in on me changing my shirt- not necessarily a high point at this very moment.

"Hey, Yuri," He greeted, leaning on the doorframe. "You haven't texted me in a while."

I turned to him, throwing my shirt on and gave him the most well deserved glare.

"What the fuck do you mean?" The words flew out of my mouth, not giving me a chance to second guess myself. "I did text you. Before that phone call. Don't you dare try to act like that never happened."

Otabek looked stunned. In a rush, I threw on my shoes and my training shirt into my bag, turning to him as slowly as I could manage.

"You don't have the right to call me for the first time in two weeks, telling me that I needed to stop texting you. That you were too busy, and that there wasn't enough time for me. That there wasn't enough time to be friends with a fifteen year old." I shook my head, willing myself to notice the way his black eyes absolutely confused me. "Don't you dare believe that had no effect on me."

I shoved past him, speed walking away from the locker room and away from the rink. The phone call informing me of his absolutely selfish want to stop talking to me fucking stung. Him being here made it so much worse; why did he have the right to make me feel so small and insignificant yet got to come here and date my rink mate?

With only a few feet until the door to leave, Mila- always Mila, forever Mila -caught up with me and started talking about her relationship. She was always a very open person, which her relationship was no exception. Sometimes I wondered if Otabek knew what Mila was talking about with me and if she even knew Otabek and I weren't friends anymore.

"So Otabek and I are going out tonight, since I finally managed to get a day off practice," Mila rambled, eyes glowing with joy. "It's going to be a very long night, if you get what I mean." She winked and finally, I snapped, knowing it would only get worse if I didn't.

I whipped around, stopping right in front of the door. "Mila, I don't care if you and Otabek are going to some club or are going to have a great time fucking one another like wild animals- I really don't and in all honesty, I don't care what you're going to be doing and I sure as hell don't care what Otabek is going to be doing. Stop pestering me and find someone that can deal with your reprehensible ramblings."

With that, I left the building, leaving Mila looking surprised and a tiny bit pissed off but I didn't care, I didn't care, I didn't care. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The only seemed to make sense anymore was that Otabek couldn't fucking like Mila because oh my god, does she post the most annoying pictures on Instagram. It wasn't even as if they were cute couple pictures- they were cliché and annoying and unnecessary. 

Yuuri and Viktor were also being annoying. Yuuri's Thai friend (Phishit? Phichit?) was visiting them and he couldn't stop posting pictures of the two of them. 

Sighing, I turn off my phone and wonder if maybe, just maybe, I should go and take a walk and maybe, just maybe I will clear my head and these fucking unrelenting, annoying ass feelings will leave too.

The thing that infuriates me the most of the entire situation is that Otabek looks happy without me. It is as if I never meant anything to him whatsoever and that's why he doesn't want to be friends with me, because I mean absolutely nothing and always will be. Yet when Mila decides to barge in and change his entire world, he looks fucking rejuvenated, as if every thing looks so much brighter and more vivid and colorful- something I never will be able to do.

The air always had a slight bite to it, I lived in Russia for Christ's sake, but tonight it seemed to cut into my skin and seep into my bones. It reminded me of how anger is such a strange feeling; it is so intense and when you are angry it fills you to the brim.

Pulling my jacket closer to me, attempting to get warmer, I walked down to main street. Mila and Otabek were in some trendy but very subpar bar near here, so I tried to steer clear of it. However, as I was walking past it, I ran into Otabek walking down the street, not visibly drunk but seemingly 

Worried and somewhat begrudgingly I walked over to him as he stopped at the corner, turning on his phone. The sun had just set, and the light from it illuminated his face a bit more.

"Otabek!" I shouted, running across the street as he looked up. "What are you doing?" He had turned off his phone and just looked at me

"Otabek?" He closed his eyes and looked away, showing me that I probably shouldn't have left my apartment.

"Yuri," Otabek muttered. "You have no reason to be talking to me."

Cocking my head, I squinted my eyes at him as the anger from earlier came back.

"Yeah, you're right. I really shouldn't be talking to you but I am because guess fucking what Otabek I do actually still consider you a human fucking being and I was actually somewhat concerned if something had happened and maybe you wanted to talk."

Yet again, he looked stunned but at this point I was done and knew I'd made a mistake and honestly really didn't want to talk to him of all people.

"I'm sorry for being concerned," I mumbled, going to turn around but Otabek grabbed my shoulder and God, there was a goddamn spark what does this mean-

"No," He said. "Don't go. Can we go to your place so I can... explain myself."

A bottle of tequila and an hour later, we were drunk as all could be. So far into the night, I had found out two things; one, Otabek was a total light weight. Two, Otabek was not as straight as a pole.

"The main reason I told you to stop texting me was because you were distracting me," His words were slurred, not unintelligible, but on the way there. "That part wasn't a lie. I had absolutely no idea to be honest, about why. I still kind of don't, but I have an idea."

He looked at me then. I don't know how to describe it, the way I felt. It was like maybe he was looking at me and thinking god damn he's hot, I don't know. It just felt absolutely too good to be true, which seems to be how everything Otabek Altin does and thinks and effects turns out to be.

"Can I tell you something?" My voice had acted out of turn this time, without thought or worry. Maybe that's why I like alcohol possibly too much- I did thinks even more spontaneously than usual.

"I was thinking, over the period of time we weren't talking. I was thinking how the fuck could someone stay in my mind for far, far too long. And than it hit me, Otabek," I shook my head and took another swig from the bottle, the poison sliding down my throat and into my chest, burning it far too sweetly. "I am fucking gay for you."

It was silent. Sickeningly, achingly gut-wrenchingly still and silent. I thought for a moment that possibly, maybe I said too much. Maybe I should've just said that I was gay. Not that I was gay specifically for him- maybe that was too much.

But that was when he surprised me, I mean he always does but this time was probably the biggest of all of the astonishing truths.

"Honestly, Yuri?" He took the bottle from my hand and took a swig before grinning. "I think I feel the same."

The rest of the night passed in a flurry- one minute I got on the bed next to Otabek and we were kissing and laughing and getting wasted (not something I recommend) and having the best night of my life. It beats winning the Grand Prix and making the new world record, beats having Viktor choreographing my routine. It's the one time I can say I haven't felt as if my personality is too much or too obnoxious.

We fell asleep some time near three AM. I never did find out why he was out wandering around when he was supposed to be with Mila, and I really never expect to know. It just really pisses me off that the thing that woke me up was Otabek talking on the phone with her.

He was standing in the bathroom, door closed and sounding evidently annoyed. For a fraction of a second I was stupid enough to think he was breaking up with her, but when he comes out, exasperated and finishing up their plans for the night apparently, it hits me like a fucking wave.

He doesn't remember what happened the night before.

**Author's Note:**

> HI YALL SO I DIDNT EXPECT THIS WAS GOING TO BE POTENTIALLY MORE THAN ONE PART BUT IF YOU WANT IT TO BE LET ME KNOW BC IM DOWN (cough cough INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TAG cough cough)
> 
> anyways, a couple disclaimers
> 
> 1) if u r under the age of 21 (really, 25) you shouldn't be drinking. it can seriously, seriously fuck with your system and can cause you brain and liver damage. there are healthier ways to cope and please do not think that it will make you feel happier- it wont. 
> 
> 2) I just remembered the language barriers- however, I am really not in the business of changing the languages and shit. im sorry.
> 
> 3) due to the fact otabek's character isnt very developed I didn't want to touch him too much, but im contemplating making the next (potential) chapter in his point of view.
> 
> otherwise, thank you guys SO much for reading and if youre interested in reading more from me I have a couple other victuuri fics on my profile! as always, if you have a few spare seconds go ahead and leave me a kudos (its highly appreciated) and possibly a comment! 
> 
> tumblr and twitter: infidany


End file.
